I didn't start doing stand-up until I dated a comedian. I was a theater actor that had always loved comedy but had no idea how to get into stand-up. I knew absolutely no one in that world, and the idea of finding an open mic and trying it out was really intimidating. Then I met this guy on OkCupid that was a local comic. Let's call him Kyle. We started spending a lot of time together, and he introduced me to the world of local stand-up. I had only ever seen big names at clubs, and seeing a show full of young people giving it a go in the back of a bar really inspired me. About 6 weeks into dating Kyle, I wrote my first set. I went up at two open mics on my first night, and I loved it. I was incredibly proud of myself and so inspired by the experience that I went to another one a few days later. I remember going to Kyle's house afterward and telling him how happy it made me. I remember him not seeming very excited and asking me, "Do you think you're going to like...be a comic now? I don't want to date another comic." I had flashbacks of theater kid hookups and how no one has any privacy in a small community and thought it was a valid concern. We decided to keep quiet about being an item and not hang out at open mics.
I kept doing stand-up, and he kept away from me at shows, and we would only really hang out in the bedroom of his basement apartment. We never even talked about comedy when we were together. Then a few months into dating, he went out-of-town for some shows, something he had done every few weeks since I met him. Except for this time, he didn't come back as planned. Instead, he called to tell me that he was staying the rest of the weekend...with the woman he had been seeing this whole time. She was also a stand-up comic. I was upset enough to dye my hair purple and not leave the house for 3 days, but life went on, and so did I.
I kept doing stand-up, did my best not to get too embarrassed when I saw him at shows, and tried to forget about it. Three weeks after Kyle and I broke up, I went out to a showcase that I had been hanging around at every week. I was really excited when one of the show's producers invited me to have a beer after the show. While we were hanging out, another one of the producers, who also happened to be a good friend of Kyle's, came to sit down. She was ribbing everyone at the table the way that comics did when she noticed me sitting there. She stared at me for a second with a scowl on her face before saying, "Aren't you that girl that was fucking Kyle?".
I felt my stomach drop to my feet and my face flush. Everyone at the table looked at me with raised eyebrows as I stammered, "Um...we were dating for a while, but we broke up." She rolled her eyes and said to the table, "Why does every new female comic have to fuck the first guy she makes friends with?" and that was the end of our conversation. I spent the next few weeks scared to go to open mics because I thought if Kyle had told her, maybe other people knew too.
I imagine if you're reading this, you're thinking, "Wow, that is a dumb reason not to go do something that you like to do." and you're right. It was dumb. But boy, oh boy, if it didn't feel incredibly valid. Doing stand-up, in general, is very intimidating. Doing it as a minority to the white guy norm? Extra intimidating. When you're a woman romantically linked to another performer, you also deal with the illusion that you must like having sex with other comedians. So much that you are doing stand-up just to fulfill your comedian dick quota! I dealt with so many drunk propositions from men and disapproving side-eye glances from women in the weeks following our breakup. It made me feel very stupid, and I kept having to leave shows to take a walk around the block and fend off panic attacks before my sets. It was a demeaning experience, to say the least.
Two years later, I am in a relationship with a comedian. This time he doesn't want to keep me a secret. We write together and go to shows together almost every day. Not one person has made me feel bad for choosing him AND choosing to be a comedian. The moral of this story is that choosing to hook up with or date another comedian is no different from choosing to hook up or date any other person. Some people will be good for you, and some will be bad. Some people will judge your decision, and others won't care. More than deciding whether or not you should date another performer, you have to decide whether or not you should date that person. In hindsight, Kyle never was that great to me in person and clearly wasn't very good when I wasn't around. People who build you up to don't have friends who put you down, plain and simple. There is nothing wrong with dating another performer if you do. Just remember what I said about comedy is like a job. Before you start anything, think about if you'll still be comfortable working with that particular coworker after things are said and done.
At the end of the day, you have to decide what is healthy. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for who you like, and do your best to like people who don't make you feel bad.